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[写作] 雅思考生的作文修改及范文:教师的责任

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匿名  发表于 2011-8-17 06:10:15 |阅读模式

文章修改过程中用到了很多课上所讲的句式和表达,希望大家能够熟练使用和掌握!

Topic:

Some people think that teachers should be responsible for teaching students how to judge right and wrong and how to behave well, some say that teachers should only teach students about academic subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

原文:

As a result of the responsibility of a teacher,One side argument is they orght to teach the students how to distinguish right and wrong and how to be a human being well.the other side view is they should solely teach students about academic konwledges.In the following paraguaphs I will discuss each argument.

First,teaching konwledges is a initial responsibility of a teacher.they should make every student learned various konwledges and the methods of how to study. When the students are studying in the primary school,they do not know anything about different subjuct. A good teacher should have the ability of how to guide the students to study and improve the attention of students increasingly paying to the various subject.

On the other hand, apart from academic knowledges the students also need other skills. It is necessary that the teacher taught the students how to realise everything of the society, such as teammork,uderstanding each other, helping someone when he or she needs, in addition,the teacher also need teach the students how to solre the problems they meet, and how to face the difficult time and so forth.

In conclution,Teacher plays a significant role in Education of students. The academic knowledges and social skills were learned through the teachers. Thus, They should not only teach varions knowledges, but teach every social technologies as well.

整体点评:

原文问题包括:

1.简单的语法和表达错误

2.论证过程逻辑混乱

3.没有完成写作任务之中的:state personal view

4.语言,尤其是句式的变化有待提高

针对以上问题,建议:

1. 在写作之前:按照课上多讲“先结构、后句式”的审题顺序将文章结构安排合理。

2. 日常的写作练习中强化单句写作的能力:即,一种意思能用两种以上表达方式进行写作。

3. 写完整篇文章之后:务必检查:单复数、拼写等。  

修改版:

As to the responsibility of teachers, one argument is that they should solely teach students about academic subjects. While, the other view is that they ought to teach the students how to distinguish right from wrong, and how to be a human being well. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss the above opinions and state my personal view.

(点评:所出现错误均为简单语法和拼写错误,还有句子衔接出现问题. 观点的顺序需要与下文顺序一致。)

People who hold the first view argue that teaching about academic subjects is an essential responsibility for any teacher. From their point of view, a qualified teacher should not only make every student acquire the knowledge, but also learn how to learn independently. Take students in the primary school as an example, most pupils do not know anything about their subjects. Therefore, a good teacher should have the ability to guide the students to study and inspire their interests on this field. Only in this way can students become independent in their future and further study.

问题:首句为主题句,应言简意赅。之后应该就此深入展开。

学习知识:acquire/gain knowledge

注意举例恰当:例子要支持自己的观点,是观点的展开

On the other hand, others hold the opinion that apart from academic subjects, teachers need to teach students about how to tell right from wrong, and how to behave well. They believe that by doing so, students can easily adapt to the society where they may be confronted with various choices, including both the good and the bad. In class time, a teacher’s peoper behaviors, attitudes and comments on social issues will absolutely set good examples for students. Accordingly, students can develop their correct philosophy of life, and meantime they build up the indispensible quality, such as teamwork, tolerance, perserverence. In this way, the students can learn how to solve the problems they meet, and how to face the difficult time and so forth.

3段:采用总分总结构阐述第二个观点:注意观点的安排上,赞成的观点一般放在后面且论述稍长。

Taking into account the above analysis, I prefer the second view. What makes me convinced is that the ultimate goal of education is to server the development of the society. From my point of view, only those people, who are quipped with not only knowledge, but proper behavior and the ability to tell right from wrong, can shoulder the responsibility of constructing society.

文章尾段完成任务:总结上文,表明自己观点,简要说明原因。

(@p)
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